When it all falls apart: Put it back together again

This was my view from the airplane yesterday.

It was a spectacular view.  The clouds resembled marshmallow fluff, the flight was smooth and it was as if I was floating. 

I was flying to my first blog conference in Salt Lake City, Utah.  The idea of an actual blog conference had peaked my interest and I wanted to see what the hype was all about.

While floating in the clouds there was plenty of time to reflect on why I had started this blog. 

Exactly one year ago this week, my husband Dave moved to Wisconsin. 

 

I would call this last year the "year of change."  Dave has always worked in the flavor and fragrance industry.  He's the best at what he does because he loves his work.  Dave had taken a professional risk a couple of years ago going to a small flavor/fragrance house.  A French company, he was lured in by the prospect of a better title and more money.  Factors that drive all of us when we are working the grind each day.  

I received a phone call from Dave in October of 2012.  He asked me if I could meet him for a cup of coffee.  I had just sat down for lunch with my parents.  I jokingly asked him "why do you want to have coffee?  Did you lose your job?"  He responded quietly "yes."  I can see that day in my mind as clear as today.  I dropped the phone, looked at my dad and he just knew.  My dad drove me to the coffee shop.  Neither one of us spoke in the car.  

I walked into the coffee shop to see my strong, typically unaffected husband.  His face was pale as a ghost and the look of worry wasn't difficult to read.  I immediately went into comfort mode.  The typical phrases came about. "Don't worry, we're going to make it through this", "You will find something else."

Deep inside, I too, was full of immediate concern and worry.  Dave was the main breadwinner of the family.  What were we going to do?  

Dave had been working for the past 18 years.  In that time Dave had never been let go or downsized.  If anything, Dave's path had been somewhat of a dream during that time.  Always excelling, always earning more.  The small town boy had come a long way.

He said he walked into his office that day and was greeted by HR.  He was told that a new VP was coming in to run the division and they were bringing in their "own" people.  When Dave asked them if he had done something wrong, they're response was "No, we think your work is great.  This is just the direction the new VP wants to take."

Totally blindsided.  He was totally blindsided.  I can't explain what it feels like to see someone who does all the right things and "plays well with others" just lose what they love overnight.  Dave had always been my go-to guy, always positive and always had a solution.

We were both scared, it felt as if the bottom had fallen out. 

Two months after Dave was downsized from his job our sweet Cate got sick.  Really sick.

Dave and I were working our tail ends off to find a job.  November and December were just filled with stress. 

Cate had been struggling with recurring bouts of strep infections since the age of 2.  Through the years her immune system was struggling to keep up.  Unlike strep in a typical body, strep in her body liked to fester and hide.  It also liked to trigger other viruses. 

Cate had been seeing an immunologist for several years at this point to try to pinpoint whether the cart was coming before the horse or vice-versa.  In other words was the strep causing the viruses to stir or were the viruses causing the strep to trigger.  The immunologist often said it was like "finding a needle in a haystack."  He never wanted Cate's tonills removed because he said they were indicators for when Cate was getting sick.  

The summer before Dave lost his job, Cate was sick with non-stop strep infections for 4 1/2 months.  Antibiotics, injections of Rocephin, sterooids and hospital stays.  Nothing was working.  

It was October, Dave was going to have insurance for another 3 months.  We decided her tonsills had to be removed.  Her Dr. agreed and the surgery was performed.

Although we were stressed Cate's health seemed better than ever November and December.  

January 11, 2013.  Everything changed.  The week prior Cate hadn't been feeling well and formed a scarlatina rash on her torso.  The only time Cate would get this rash was when she was in the midst of a strep infection.  We had gone to the Dr. and they said the throat looked clear and all looked good.  We left the Dr. and went on with life.

January 11 was a Friday evening.  I remember it clear as day as well.  The girls had completed their tennis lesson and we were driving home after picking up a pizza for dinner.  Everyone was singing, laughing and having a great time. 

When we arrived home Cate got out of the car.  She immediately grabbed her chest and said she couldn't breathe.  I thought maybe she was having an asthma attack as sometimes she would have asthma after exercising.

We got her into the house.  She was turning blue.  She couldn't breathe.  Dave and I called 911.  They came and we went to the hospital.  

Cate was in and out of the hospital for the next week.  The Dr.'s were baffled by her symptoms.  Each day she was getting worse. She was having difficulty breathing, she wasn't sleeping and she wasn't eating.  Her personality was changing.  Overnight it felt as if my Cate had gone missing.

By the second week Cate's symptoms were full blown.  Her pupils were dilated she had lost control over the movements of her body and we were all terrified.

Cate's immunologist worked us in as fast as they could.  Blood tests results and a neurological work-up revealed Cate was suffering from a form of rheumatic fever called Sydenham's Chorea.  We were told that after Cate had been sick with strep the previous summer the strep was still lingering in her system.  We had removed her tonsils and we no longer had them to warn us when a strep attack was coming on.  Cate's Dr. said the strep was systemic and the antibodies were now attacking parts of the brain as if it were strep.

What do you say to all of that?   I don't remember what was said but I do remember moving to action to try to help her.  We got her on a daily regimen of antibiotics.  We were told she would need this therapy until she was at the minimum 21.  We worked to get her an effective, yet contreversial therapy called IVig to try to reboot her immune system.

The IVIg therapy was around $8,000 and infusion.  Insurance wouldn't cover the treatments.  We had to travel to Washington D.C. to a neurologist who prescribes this therapy.   The copay's were around $1,000.  The food, the hotel the overall expenditures were too much.  

Dave and I used everything we had to get Cate better.  We had to ask for help from family and friends.  I would do it over again in a heartbeat as the treatments helped and I get to see this smiling face every day.

The person who kept everything together while it appeared the rest of us were going to fall apart.  Ava Claire.  Always consistent, never complaining and wise beyond her years.  A diamond in the rough.

During Cate's treatment phase Dave found a job.  A good job that he loved.  He would be working as the Director of Consumer Insight's for an Irish flavor and fragrance company running the U.S. and Latin America.  It appeared that one door had closed and a better door was opening.

The only problem.  The job was located in Wisconsin.  We knew it was a good opportunity and we knew we had to take the job for his future and our future.  We worried that Cate would need more treatments and we were running out of money.

Cate was in no position to leave Ohio and Ava needed stability.  Who am I kidding.  I needed stability.  Dave left for Wisconsin last April and we have been commuting back and forth from Ohio for the past year.  This year has felt like forever.  

I'm pretty sure the day I lost myself during this whole ordeal was the day Cate got sick.  Dave losing his job was scary, but your child getting sick.  There are no words to describe it.  

I wouldn't leave Cate's side until school started this year.  My life's mission had become to protect her and every day was waking up in an effort to make sure all was well.

While I was devoting myself fully to making sure Cate was well on a daily basis.  I was losing myself.  I knew we were moving to Wisconsin, but I wasn't ready to take the leap.  The girls and I were still living in the little blue house and in the back of my mind I wanted to stay there forever.  

I began to escape to my studio space every second I could get.  I didn't care what I was creating I just needed to be in that world.  My world.  My studio had become my therapy and it was my saving grace.

Last October, the little blue house was on the market for a week before it was grabbed up by a young couple ready to start their lives as we had in the blue house.  I wasn't ready to leave.  I needed my safety net.  

When I left the house I started to write again, I needed that creative outlet.   The blog was born.

It's funny how life just brings you around full circle.  I was trained as a writer, but I left it.  I wanted something more glamorous than I was able to do at the time.  

Now, all I wanted to do was write.  Write about what I knew and all the things I may never know. 

I started writing my blog last October and it had been patchy up until now.  Patchy just like my emotions up until this spring.  

As I reflected on why I started this blog so many things became apparent.  My family survived this year.  We made it through, thanks to the help of family and good friends.  Life was going to change and how we adapt to that change will help us to move forward.  

We could have lost everything but we fought to get back on our feet and start living again.  

Dave found a job that he loves and is successful at.  More importantly he is appreciated.  I am proud of this man.  

Cate has learned how to cope with living with a chronic illness.  She learned she was stronger than she thought and her confidence soared.  

Ava continues to provide compassion and strength to those around her and grows into a young woman I could have only wished to have been at her age.

I am learning how to reinvent myself.  Maybe not reinvent, as the things I am doing right now are the things I have always wanted to do.  As I approach my 40th year in November I feel good about the fact that life is not over, it is just beginning. I can shape and mold this life anyway I desire.  I can do what I love without guilt and create the life I've always imagined. 

Most importantly, I have learned that my family will survive through pretty much anything.  We will continue to recreate, reinvent and restore ourselves to a place that is better than before. Telling our story along the way.

Sometimes it takes a a few bumps in the road to help us smooth our path.