The change

I was standing in my mom's kitchen yesterday.  I had just picked the girls up from school.  Yesterday was scattered.  We had been in Wisconsin the week prior and upon returning to Ohio I always feel as if I have to play catch-up.

Ava and Cate are in the last week of school.  The girls and I will move to Wisconsin permanently and our new life, our fresh start will begin.

I was standing in the kitchen yesterday and Ava gently grabbed my arm.

I'm not sure I've understood the effects of the past year on Ava.  She watched her sister get sick, her father lose his job, our home sold to another family and her mother fall apart and try to keep it together at the same time.  Ava is 11.  I'm not sure how many adults could have coped through her journey this past year with the grace, poise and courage she has possessed.

In addition to the challenges we faced this past year I was aware that Ava was changing.  Her body, her appearance and her mind.  She is growing into a young lady.

It's happening overnight.  She is beginning to surpass me in height and she is wearing my shoes.  She is taking more interest in the little things: her hair, her skin and her body.  She cares about what she is wearing and she is recognizing when to "dress down" and when to "dress up."

I noticed she became more guarded this year.  Protective of her feelings.  Protective of her family.  She knew how hard the year had been for all of us and I believe she took on the role of strength.  The little girl I was always able to snuggle and hug had built a wall with a strong exterior and nothing would bring that wall down.

Ava and I had a disagreement recently.  The typical argument: mom nags, dad doesn't.  Ava doesn't throw tantrums, she doesn't scream.  She is very mature in her argument and at times I'm intimidated by her knowledge and ability to reason.  It's during those moments I almost question my ability to mother.  My ability to parent.

After consultation with my own mother, I learned that this is completely normal.  This is the change that will happen.  The right of passage between a mother and a daughter.  I don't believe it is a question of whether or not she likes me, rather a statement of Ava's independence.  She is finding her way.  My mother's advice, give her space, within reason.

While standing in the kitchen yesterday, Ava grabbed my arm and asked if I would watch a video with her.  She told me they watched the video at school and she wanted to share it with me.

I stopped what I was doing.  She asked me for my attention, and at that moment I realized how fleeting time is and I gave her my everything.

This is the video we watched.

I looked over at Ava.  This strong, smart and soulful little girl had a tear running down her cheek and told me that she wanted me to know she feels good about herself.  She loves her body, her hair and her face.  She told me she feels good about who she is and where she is going in life.

I had goosebumps yesterday watching this video with Ava and hearing those words out of her mouth.  I have goosebumps writing these words.  That moment with Ava is forever ingrained in my heart and soul as the moment of change.  The moment I realized my beautiful little girl became a young lady. It was also the moment of confirmation I secretly needed to know I'm doing things right.  At least for the moment.

There was no party, no gift and no special meal to define this change.  It was a moment.  A moment, that had I not taken the time to be in it, I would have missed it in the blink of an eye.

I am grateful for yesterday as much as I am today.  I look for this young lady to do amazing things in her lifetime.  She already realizes at such a young age that she is in control of her happiness.

Thank you Ava.  I believe you are teaching me more than I am teaching you.

 

 

In the blink of an eye.

The gift

I love this woman.  Unconditionally, without question and eternally. The woman in the picture is my mom.  Nancy Lousie Holle Lolan.

I thought long and hard about writing about my mom today.  She is an enormously private person.  Never wanting to have her picture taken, never needing to be in the spotlight.  She prefers hiding in the shadows and doing for others without recognition.

While I attempted to avoid placing her front and center my need to tell the world about this beautiful soul prevailed.  While her story is one of ordinary sorts, her spirit and determination are unique and fleeting in today's world. 

The story of a brilliant woman who wanted to be a journalist but her dream was not encouraged by her parents.  The story of a woman who found her way "out" marrying the love of her life and starting a family of their own.  The story of a woman who would raise two daughters as a stay-at-home mom while sacrificing her own dreams along the way.  They story of someone so full of compassion that those around her would be lost without her.

I have had the pleasure of spending the past, almost 40, years with this woman and she continues to inspire, care for, love and guide all those around her. 

My husband, Dave, drove into Dayton from Chicago this past Friday to spend the weekend with us.  We sat on the couch talking and laughing.  The weekends have become cherished time due to our long distance living arrangement this past year. 

Dave looked over at my mom mid-conversation and said "Nance, I talked with the transplant coordinator at UC yesterday.  I'm a perfect match to donate a kidney to another recipient.  This will move you to the top of the transplant list.  Things could happen fast." 

We almost lost my mom 7 years ago.  She had been stating that her vision was acting up.  My dad took her to the eye Dr and glasses were prescribed.  She continued to see spots in her vision.  Upon returning from a lengthy trip with my father she felt she needed to get things looked at again. 

There are days in our lives that define us.  Births, weddings, deaths and so on.  The milestones in life that define that we've made it and we've reached our purpose.  The day my mom became sick was a defining day.  Life would never be the same as we knew it.

My parents had gone to the ophthalmologist.  I received a call not long into their appointment that mom was being taken to the hospital because she was in a hypertensive crisis.  Her blood pressure had risen to 240/120.

In one day my mom's life, our family's lives changed forever.  The increase in pressure caused her to lose her vision and become legally blind overnight.  It also caused her to go into End Stage Renal Faiure.  The diagnosis was a rare disease called Malignant Hypertension.  With this disease increases in blood pressure have an insidious onset and treatment is difficult.

She was in and out of hospitals for the first two years.  Literally fighting for her life.  The Dr.'s told all of us the probability that she would even make it 5 years past her diagnosis was improbable.  She began dialysis in 2011 and we would begin our search for a kidney donor so that she would not have to survive by a machine for the rest of her existence.  However long that would be because life on dialysis is brutal and exhausting.

Imagine listening to that conversation this past Friday.  The man I love is willing to give life to someone else, to a person we don't even know so that my mom can have a second chance at life.  A rebirth.  It has been a mother's day weekend filled with hope, love and possibility.

This Mother's Day I am overwhelmed with hope for the future.  I am so very grateful to my mother for this life.  She is the true expression of sacrifice and even during her most virulent storms she remained strong, fierce, optimistic and maternal.  Yes, even during her most difficult times she continued to guide everyone else.  She is selfless and it is the most important life lesson that could have ever been passed on to me.

Time is precious, and so very out of our control.  Spend that time wisely with those you love for you will never regret doing so.  Everyday is the gift.

Just when you think the day can't get any better

This is what saturday looked like.

Gorgeous!

While I haven't spent a ton of time in Wisconsin I can tell you that my future favorite past time will be attending the Dane County Farmer's Market in Madison. 

 

This is a summer market located on the Capitol Square in Madison that runs every Saturday.  The market boasts to be the largest "producer-only" farmer's market in the U.S.  Someone at the market explained it to me that whoever farms the product has to be present to sell it at the market.  In other words there's no middle man.

I particularly love going to the market for the colors.  The colors of the flowers are vibrant and the vegetables are farm to table fresh.  In addition to the delicious colors and vegetables the kids are happy because there are trees to climb and lawns to relax on.

We were a little late to the market on Saturday so we were eager to look for excitement elsewhere in the city.

I needed coffee.  Not just any coffee.  I wanted Peet's.  A Peet's almond milk latte to be exact.  I had done my research and there are two Peet's in the state of Wisconsin.  I decided that it was time to find one of them.  We set off toward the University of Wisconsin campus in search of the student union.

Low and behold we made it to the student union and there it was Peet's coffee.

 

We had just found my perfect cup of coffee but what we didn't realize was that the day was about to get a whole lot better.  

We walked into a music and arts festival that was taking place on the UW campus.  Stages were set-up, bands were playing and people were dancing. 

We decided we should take a chance and take it all in.

Saturday was another invaluable life lesson.  Just when you think the day can't get any better; life can't get any better...it does.